she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
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