how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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