Don't make out with my wife yet
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
