then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
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