she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
