Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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