It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
