the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
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