I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
