i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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