Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
