You're my little dorito
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
