On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
