So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
You ruined the universe
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
