There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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