have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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