Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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