Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Don't judge me 👊🼠his dick just whispers my name
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
