So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
