I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
