3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
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