So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
