What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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