When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
