I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
