you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
