We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
