Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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