matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
