He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
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