My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
