You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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