All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Randomize
