I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
