and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
All I want is dick and wine.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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