the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
