Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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