We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
