new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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