Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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