If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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