the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
