If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My pussy is not your playground.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
