I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
