i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
