You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
