Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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