I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
