grandma shit on top of the toilet
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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