How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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