Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
