Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
