You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I met the friendliest cop last night
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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