Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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