Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
