He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
