Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
