Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
